PhD as a Self-Leadership Quest: Reflections, Doubts, and a Journey of Solitude
PhD as a Self-Leadership Quest:
Reflections, Doubts, and a Journey of Solitude
PhD — A pursuit of knowledge, or perhaps, a never-ending conquest of self-leadership?
I’ve always thought the PhD journey was a rigorous academic pursuit, but little did I know, it would also become the ultimate self-leadership quest. It’s been a lonely path — one full of solitude, late-night reflection, and endless thinking time. The hardest part? Leading myself, keeping my thoughts organised, and navigating this endless loop of doubts and constant re-evaluation.
The Early Stages
Somewhere between finishing my MBA and diving into the unknown, I thought, “Why not give a PhD a try?” Was I sure academia was for me? Not really. But I’ve always been passionate about learning, development, and sharing knowledge — so, naturally, this path seemed like it might align with who I am.
My proposal started simply enough. I wanted to work on something personal, a framework I had been using in my training for years — the R.E.A.L. Self-Leadership Framework (Reflection, Emotion, Awareness, and Learning). It felt natural to take that into the academic realm:
Original PhD Proposal Title:
(1) R.E.A.L. Self-Leadership: Enhancing Intra and Interpersonal Communication and Leadership Development in the Workplace through Reflective Practices.
I submitted the application and was fortunate enough to receive a full scholarship, which only added to the pressure. I officially started my journey in July 2023, with my first challenge being research methodology. That’s when things started to shift — I realized the PhD journey wasn’t going to be a straight path.
The Early Struggles and Cloudy Moments
After my initial enthusiasm came the inevitable challenges. My second version of the proposal, “Way Forward to Leading Oneself: Rethink about Self-Leadership Strategy to Navigate through the DVUCA World,” hit a major roadblock. To put it simply, it wasn’t yet a rigorous, complete research proposal. At this stage, I hadn’t even fully figured out what my research objectives were, let alone a concrete research problem. I found myself facing insufficient evidence, unclear aims, and the terrifying realization that I had no idea what kind of research design or methodology I should deploy.
Cloudy moments? More like a thick fog I couldn’t see through. It felt like the more I tried to clarify my thoughts, the more questions emerged. Was this even a valid path to pursue? How could I refine something that wasn’t clear to me yet? The self-doubt deepened, and it was overwhelming to feel that, despite my best efforts, I was still lost in the process.
The Struggle of Depth and Discipline
The deeper I got into the PhD work, the more I found myself questioning if I was doing “enough.” Was I thinking deeply enough? Was my research broad enough? And while I knew I had to maintain discipline, focus, and precision in my thought process, the pressure became daunting.
One thing I discovered was that PhDs are not like business proposals — there’s no definitive end. The never-ending chase for standards, the pursuit of academic perfection — it’s a cycle that feels unrelenting. The more I worked, the more I felt haunted by the questions: Whose lens should I fit into? What’s the standard I’m chasing?
And the biggest question of all: Is it worth it? If I weren’t spending my scarce resource — time — on this, what else could I be doing that’s more meaningful and impactful?
Those inner feelings have been swirling for some time. Will it be rewarding in the end? Honestly, I don’t know. And every day, I wonder, Am I even progressing or performing as I’m supposed to?
at this point of time, I was taking a different approach — which I have printed out top cited papers to read.. and read..
hmmm…
The Turning Point: July 2024
By July 2024, after multiple rounds of revisions, I hit a turning point. I decided to participate in the school’s Research Engagement Week — an event I hoped would re-energize me.
“After the event, it prompted me to muster all my courage to rework a complete research proposal in preparation for my Research Proposal Defense stage in my PhD journey. It was during this time that I had an epiphany moment. I delved deeply into the continuous learning loop, dissecting the science of personal mastery and development. I realized that my research wasn’t just about self-leadership strategies, but about how individuals truly understand themselves and continuously learn, improve, and ultimately master their own growth.”
An Epiphany Amidst the Chaos
In July 2024, I had an epiphany (cue the dramatic music). I delved deep into the science of personal development and mastery, dissecting the continuous learning loop. My aim was to articulate how one learns to understand themselves, continuously improve, and ultimately master self-leadership.
I explored questions like:
• What motivates us to continuously improve and learn?
• How does the perceived-desired reality influence our actions?
• What happens when our experiences don’t match our expectations?
I stumbled upon new theories such as self-allowing theories
(1) Self-Compassion Theory, Kristen Neff (Mental Health)
(2) Self-Acceptance Theory, Carl Rogers (Personal Growth)
(3) Mindfulness Theory (Emotiona Regulation)
aligning perfectly with my work in learning and development which I identified three key pillas — these three key pillars are my true north..
1. Expanding Mental Models
2. Understanding the Power of Choices
3. Exercising the Power of Allowing
After few rounds of discussions with my supervisors,
I worked on a new version of my proposal titled:
Updated Proposal:
“Bridging ‘Self’ to Effective Leadership: A Self-Learning Model to Enhance Leadership Effectiveness through Self-Leadership Strategies and Emotional Intelligence.”
The poster competition gave me valuable feedback and helped me clarify my model. But even then, the doubts persisted: Was my research really significant? Had I read enough papers (spoiler: maybe about 10)? I kept questioning the impact of my work, and the story I was telling myself became this:
“It’s great validation for my work in learning and development, right? It adds value to what I deliver in my professional engagements. My credentials will be stronger, of course. But… what’s really driving me to keep going?”
Mentors told me, “Penny, you’re enough. You already have your MBA, and you’ve built a successful career. Why push yourself through this?” And yet, here I am, asking myself why I’m still here. Is my passion for this dying off, or have I just not tapped into the drive yet?
Navigating the Complexity of Self-Leadership
Throughout this journey, I’ve been learning more about self-leadership — how it’s not just about what I’m researching, but how I manage myself. It’s been a battle between staying on track with my research model and allowing my intuition and personal experience to guide me.
I’ve made some progress, such as reworking my research proposal multiple times, but the doubts persist. Am I procrastinating too much? Maybe. Am I leveraging AI tools like ChatGPT to assist in ways that are less “traditional”? Definitely. But is that a bad thing, or is it just the new reality of research in this era?
The Endless Questions
One thing I know for sure is that this PhD journey is more than an academic pursuit — it’s become a quest for self-leadership. Every day, I’m leading myself through uncertainties, navigating through doubts, and reflecting on whether this path is truly meant for me.
And as I continue to rework my research model — now on the 9th version — I wonder if I’ll ever reach the end of this journey. But here’s the question that lingers:
Would persisting in something that doesn’t bring you joy, fulfillment, or alignment actually feel like success?
Even as I write this, I’m asking myself: Shouldn’t I be reading more papers, learning how to write more academically? But the truth is, I’m reviewing my decision every step of the way. And maybe that’s okay.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve ever found yourself on a similar path — constantly questioning whether you’re doing enough, whether you’re heading in the right direction — know that you’re not alone. Whether I finish this PhD or not, I know that this journey is teaching me something valuable: how to lead myself through the hardest decisions and uncertainties.
Maybe, in the end, that’s the most rewarding part of it all.
Until then, I’ll keep chasing clarity, one step at a time.
— my current development —
Current Development of My Research Framework
Over the past months, I have been refining my proposed research framework, which centers on the intersection of self-leadership and leadership effectiveness, with emotional intelligence acting as a critical mediator. The framework is grounded in the idea that self-leadership is driven by a self-learning model — beginning with self-reflection, leading to self-awareness, and ultimately culminating in self-acceptance. These personal enablers allow leaders to engage in key self-leadership strategies, such as behavior-focused approaches, natural reward mechanisms, and constructive thought patterns.
A crucial aspect of the framework is how emotional intelligence mediates the impact of self-leadership on leadership effectiveness. I believe that emotional intelligence is not only an internal self-regulation tool but also a necessary skill for effective leadership. The end goal is to enhance leadership effectiveness, measured through the ability to lead people, management efficiency, and overall performance improvement.
This research is still in progress, and while I’m making strides, I welcome feedback and insights from those engaged in similar fields or anyone interested in personal and leadership development.
Your Thoughts Matter: A Call to Action
As I continue to refine this framework, I would love to hear from you. Whether you are an academic, practitioner, or simply someone passionate about leadership and self-development, your feedback is invaluable to shaping this work. Please feel free to reach out to me with your reflections, ideas, or questions at pennyleong@totalenrichmentadvisory.com.
Your thoughts might just motivate me and highlight the importance of conducting this research — ultimately helping me decide whether to PhD or not to PhD anymore… and probably who know — this could be a joint effort co-creation! :D
Best,
Penny L.
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Disclaimer
This work represents my current thoughts and reflections as I navigate my PhD journey. It is part of my personal process of self-reflection and documentation, especially as I find myself ruminating (potentially overly!) on whether to continue this path. Please view this as a piece of open-ended thinking, rather than a final or polished conclusion.
