The Diamond Selves Theory: Navigating Ego-Self, Higher-Self, and Inner-Self
Why the Diamond Selves Theory?
We’ve all heard the saying, “We are all diamonds.” But what makes a diamond truly a diamond? It begins as a piece of charcoal and transforms under immense pressure into a precious gem. Similarly, understanding and refining the different facets of ourselves can be challenging yet immensely rewarding.
Just as a diamond becomes valuable through the process of being polished and shaped, we too must undergo our own journey of self-discovery and growth. Polishing these facets is not an easy path, but it is a necessary one if we aim to become the best versions of ourselves.
I developed the Diamond-Selves Theory as a preliminary guide. It helps us navigate and understand the various aspects of our identity — the Ego-Self, Higher-Self, Inner-Self, and the Unknown-Self. By recognizing and aligning these facets, we can achieve a more balanced and fulfilling life.
I would like to credit this development to all my partnered clients, coaching partners, and friends. Their stories and experiences have been a constant source of inspiration for me. Their journeys have enriched my understanding and driven me to create this framework.
As you’ve probably gathered from my previous writings, I love sharing my findings through storytelling to inspire others. Many people think that my profession as an independent coach and consultant is solely about providing a quick boost, reframing thoughts, or finding direct solutions. While these are important aspects, the true essence of my work lies in helping individuals understand, work with, and within themselves. This is never an easy job, but it is definitely worth the effort.
We are all unique, shaped by our upbringing, cultural influences, DNA, and countless other factors. If we don’t take the time to understand how we work within ourselves, it affects the quality of our experiences in the outer world. This understanding is crucial for living a fulfilled and balanced life.
As a modern thinker and philosopher, I am inspired to simplify these complex concepts and creatively design frameworks that help my clients understand and work with themselves more effortlessly. The objective of this article is not to present the most scientifically developed material, but to share stories and insights that might help you identify which part of yourself you are communicating with.
Join me as we explore how embracing the Diamond Selves Theory can illuminate your path to self-improvement and personal growth.
Story #1: The Classic Burnout
In early May 2024, a close friend called me in the middle of the night, overwhelmed and in tears. She was hearing a delusional voice urging her towards despair, a clear sign of extreme distress at work. She had been striving hard for validation, grinding day and night to meet expectations. Despite practicing self-care methods like journaling and emotional processing, she felt increasingly suffocated.
After a heartfelt conversation, it became clear that her Ego-Self had dominated her thinking. She believed that taking a break was impossible due to work pressures and financial stress. She feared being perceived as useless if she didn’t work tirelessly. This relentless drive was her Ego-Self talking, creating a narrative of inadequacy and fear.
I encouraged her to face her deepest fears and seek a total break from work. After consulting a psychologist and discussing with her boss, she took a much-needed leave. The result? She spent a few days reconnecting with herself, away from the noise, and returned rejuvenated.
Insight: Recognize and Rebalance
This story highlights how the Ego-Self can lead us to burnout by pushing us to constantly prove our worth. Our Ego-Self often speaks loudly because it’s driven by our brain’s shortcuts — the mental pathways designed for quick decision-making. This can make the messages from our Ego-Self seem incredibly real and urgent, leading us to believe that constant striving is necessary for our well-being. We tend to listen to our Ego-Self without further assessment because it feels so immediate and convincing. However, this can hold our minds captive, limiting our options and alternatives in decision-making.
By recognizing the dominance of the Ego-Self, we can take a step back to reassess our needs and perspectives. This involves reconnecting with our Higher-Self, which provides deeper wisdom and aligns us with our true purpose, and our Inner-Self, which reflects our genuine thoughts and feelings. Achieving this balance helps us make more thoughtful, fulfilling decisions and avoid the traps of burnout and despair.
# Thinking Zone #
• When was the last time you felt overwhelmed by your responsibilities?
• Can you identify the voice of your Ego-Self in your daily life?
• What steps can you take to give yourself a necessary break and reconnect with your true self?
• How often do you pause to assess whether your decisions are driven by immediate, ego-driven thoughts or by your deeper, true self?
In this story, we see how easily the Ego-Self can dominate our thinking, driving us towards burnout and despair by creating a sense of urgency and inadequacy. The key takeaway is the importance of recognizing when our Ego-Self is in control and taking steps to reconnect with our Higher-Self and Inner-Self.
This brings us to the core of the Diamond Selves Theory. By understanding the different facets of our identity — the Ego-Self, Higher-Self, Inner-Self, and Unknown-Self — we can better navigate the complexities of our thoughts and emotions. Let’s delve deeper into this theory to explore how these facets interact and how we can achieve a balanced and fulfilling life.
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Story #2: The Fear of Failure
Another client was paralyzed by the fear of failing an upcoming project. She experienced insomnia, loss of focus, and a relentless self-sabotaging mindset driven by her Ego-Self. She felt she had failed those who believed in her, and this thought consumed her.
During our sessions, I helped her understand that her fear was not rooted in reality but was a creation of her Ego-Self. This part of her was creating a narrative of failure and inadequacy, driving her to sleepless nights and constant anxiety. By taking a pause and reassessing her situation, she realized that her worth was not defined by one project. She needed to align with her Higher-Self, which reminded her of her true capabilities and strengths.
We discussed how the Ego-Self often magnifies our fears and creates a distorted view of reality. It focuses on potential negative outcomes and worst-case scenarios, trapping us in a cycle of anxiety and self-doubt. In her case, the fear of failure was so overwhelming that it prevented her from seeing her past successes and the skills she had developed over time.
Insight: Pause and Reflect
This story emphasizes the importance of pausing and reflecting before letting our Ego-Self dictate our actions. Our Ego-Self can make fears seem more significant and real than they are, limiting our perception and creating unnecessary stress. By connecting with our Higher-Self, we can gain clarity and a broader perspective, allowing us to navigate challenges more effectively and compassionately.
To note :
• Exaggeration of Fears
The Ego-Self often exaggerates fears and creates a narrative of impending failure, which can lead to paralysis and inaction.
• Reconnecting with Higher-Self
Aligning with the Higher-Self helps us see the bigger picture, recognize our true potential, and make more grounded decisions.
• Self-Compassion
Developing self-compassion is crucial in countering the harsh judgments of the Ego-Self. It allows us to treat ourselves with kindness and understand that failure is a part of growth.
# Thinking Zone #
• What are your biggest fears regarding your professional or personal life?
• How often do you pause to reflect on these fears and assess their validity?
• How can you align more with your Higher-Self to overcome these fears?
• In what ways has your Ego-Self exaggerated your fears and limited your decision-making?
In this story, we see how the Ego-Self can magnify our fears and create a narrative of failure that leads to stress and self-sabotage. The key takeaway is the importance of pausing to reflect and reassess our fears through the lens of our Higher-Self, which provides a more balanced and truthful perspective.
These stories illustrate the powerful influence of the Ego-Self and the necessity of balancing it with our Higher-Self and Inner-Self. This understanding is fundamental to the Diamond Selves Theory, which helps us navigate these internal dynamics to live more fulfilling lives. Let’s explore the Diamond Selves Theory in detail, understanding how each facet of our identity interacts and how we can achieve harmony within ourselves.
Introduction to Diamond-Selves Theory
This diagram illustrates the Diamond Selves Theory, developed by Penny Leong in 2024. It represents the four key facets of our identity: Higher-Self, Ego-Self, Truth-Self, and Unknown-Self. Understanding and balancing these facets is essential for achieving a harmonious and fulfilling life.
The experiences of burnout and fear of failure shared in these stories highlight the critical role of understanding and balancing different aspects of our identity. This is where the Diamond Selves Theory comes into play. The Diamond Selves Theory is a framework I developed to help individuals navigate and harmonize the various facets of their identity — the Ego-Self, Higher-Self, Inner-Self, and Unknown-Self. By understanding these facets, we can achieve a more balanced, fulfilling life.
Understanding the Facets
Ego-Self
The Ego-Self is the most familiar part of our identity. It’s shaped by external validation and societal expectations. While it helps us navigate social situations and achieve goals, it can also lead to stress and self-sabotage if left unchecked. The Ego-Self often speaks loudly because it’s driven by our brain’s shortcuts — the mental pathways designed for quick decision-making. This can make the messages from our Ego-Self seem incredibly real and urgent, leading us to believe that constant striving is necessary for our well-being.
Foundational Understanding:
Freudian Theory:
Sigmund Freud introduced the concept of the ego as part of his structural model of the psyche, which also includes the id (identification) and the superego. The ego mediates between the instinctual demands of the id (identification) and the moralizing role of the superego.
Social Identity Theory:
Developed by Henri Tajfel and John Turner, this theory explores how our self-concept is derived from perceived membership in social groups, emphasizing the role of external validation in shaping the Ego-Self.
How does your Ego-Self manifest in your daily interactions and decisions?
Higher-Self
The Higher-Self represents our true essence and inner wisdom. It’s aligned with our core values and purpose. When we connect with our Higher-Self, we gain clarity and direction, allowing us to make decisions that are true to our authentic self. Aligning with the Higher-Self helps us see the bigger picture, recognize our true potential, and make more grounded decisions.
Foundational Understanding
Humanistic Psychology:
Carl Rogers’ concept of self-actualization emphasizes the importance of realizing one’s potential and becoming the best version of oneself. The Higher-Self aligns with Rogers’ idea of the fully functioning person who lives in harmony with their true values and purpose.
Transpersonal Psychology:
This field, pioneered by Abraham Maslow and others, studies the spiritual aspects of the human experience and the pursuit of self-transcendence, which closely relates to the concept of the Higher-Self.
When was the last time you felt a deep sense of alignment with your Higher-Self?
Inner-Self
The Inner-Self is the core of our being, reflecting our genuine thoughts, feelings, and desires. It’s the part of us that remains constant despite external changes. Connecting with our Inner-Self involves introspection and mindfulness, helping us understand our true needs and emotions. This facet helps us find peace and fulfillment within ourselves.
Humanistic Psychology:
Carl Rogers emphasized the importance of congruence between the self-concept and experiences, advocating for authenticity and self-acceptance. The Inner-Self aligns with Rogers’ idea of the true self that must be acknowledged and accepted.
Mindfulness and Self-Compassion:
Research by Jon Kabat-Zinn and Kristin Neff has shown that mindfulness and self-compassion practices enhance self-awareness and emotional regulation, promoting a deeper connection with the Inner-Self.
What is stopping you to connect with your Inner-Self and listen to your true feelings?
Unknown-Self
The Unknown-Self comprises the parts of our identity yet to be discovered. It includes potential talents, hidden fears, and unexplored aspects of our personality. Understanding the Unknown-Self involves embracing uncertainty and being open to new experiences and self-discoveries. This facet encourages growth and transformation.
Jungian Psychology:
Carl Jung’s concept of the shadow represents the unconscious parts of the personality that the conscious ego does not recognize. Integrating these aspects into our conscious awareness is key to personal growth and self-discovery.
Positive Psychology:
Martin Seligman’s work on character strengths and virtues encourages exploring and developing previously unknown or underutilized aspects of ourselves, fostering growth and well-being.
Are you open to discovering new aspects of yourself, and how do you embrace uncertainty in your life?
Application: Balancing the Selves
please note……(well… I have added in practical and REAL insights in each of steps with my bracket)
The key to a fulfilling life lies in balancing these selves. Here are practical steps to achieve this:
- Self-Reflection:
Regularly reflect on your thoughts and feelings to understand the influence of your Ego-Self. (think about why is this important to you and understanding what is stopping you, and noticing how are you feeling when you are reflecting, these are key questions to start with…) - Mindfulness:
Practice mindfulness to stay connected with your Higher-Self and Inner-Self. (well, start with practicing with watching your own thoughts, just watch, and stay a cognitive distance… if you can, and not to put any judgement and meaning labelling it (your thoughts..)…
3. Self-Compassion:
Be kind to yourself, especially when faced with challenges. Recognize that your worth is not tied to external validation. (the question is how, and avoid to be fooled by “I thought I knew it, I thought I have been learning how to love myself, but what? I found out…maybe I am not… and that’s okay, relearning and continue to learn about how we can love ourselves best.. is an ongoing assignment.. I supposed)
4. Pause and Assess:
Before making decisions, take a pause to assess if you are being led by fear or genuine needs. (pause…….as long as you want to, revisit the thought when you feel like but sometimes, if situation wouldn’t allow you to be, then probably just listen to that first feeling that comes to your heart and mind.. and always remember — we can always reset and restart.. to think about it.. we will always make the best decision for ourselves at that point of time.. so get going… if you made a mistake.. learn from it and move on.. and that’s it..and keep learning..)
5. Embrace the Unknown:
Be open to discovering new aspects of yourself. Embrace change and uncertainty as opportunities for growth. (I love this concept of embracing the unknown, I know it is easy to be said than done, but to note that we are different every day, question is do you allow yourself to be different everyday? … do you allow yourself to be a different you every day..adoptiong a new mindset every day? … is hard work.. but it is also heart work… it is also a form of discipline in thinking.. you see..)
By understanding and applying the Diamond Selves Theory, we can navigate life with greater clarity and purpose. It’s about recognizing the voices within us, aligning with our true selves, and leading a balanced, fulfilling life. Let’s not let the Ego-Self take over. Instead, let’s take a step back, assess, and realign with our Higher-Self and Inner-Self.
Recognizing Limitations
While the Diamond Selves Theory provides a valuable framework for understanding oneself, it’s important to recognize its limitations. This piece of work is still evolving, and our understanding of the self must continue to expand. Future research and practical applications should consider various external lenses such as generational differences, cultural dimensions, and changes over time. Each individual’s experience is unique, and factors like upbringing, societal norms, and historical context can significantly influence the facets of the self. This ongoing development will ensure the theory remains relevant and adaptable to diverse contexts.
I would like to extend my heartfelt gratitude to all my clients, coaching partners, and friends. Your stories and experiences have inspired this framework and enriched my understanding. This journey of self-discovery and growth is a collaborative effort, and I am grateful for the insights and lessons learned along the way.
I invite you to reflect on your own experiences and consider how the Diamond Selves Theory might help you navigate your personal journey. Share your thoughts and stories, and let’s continue to inspire and support each other in becoming the best versions of ourselves.
This revised structure includes the additional paragraph to acknowledge limitations and highlight the ongoing development of the Diamond Selves Theory.
Let me know if there’s anything else you’d like to refine or expand upon!
Till then, let us be all living at the highest self!
With all the blessing energy,
Penny L.
